Ini adalah kisah Budi dan Ani, tipikal pasangan orang Sunda yang lagi pacaran dimana sang pria mendapat panggilan sayang 'Aa', sementara sang wanita dipanggil 'Neng'.
Satu bulan pertama, bagi Budi dan Ani, adalah surga. Dunia terasa indah dan damai.Mendekati 9 bulan pacaran, drama pun dimulai.
1. Cemburu
Ani menatap Budi dengan tajam. Kedua tangannya melipat defensif,menunjukkan sikap penuh permusuhan. Budi sedang mengonsumsi dosis harian: menerima semprotan Ani. Satu isu kecil dapat berubah menjadi letusan gunung.
"Kenapa semalem Neng nelepon gak Aa' bales?"
"Geulis (cantik)?, soalnya Aa' semalem baru pulang jam 2."
"Ngapain aja?" Mata Ani semakin tajam , membuat Budi merasa seperti imigran gelap yang sedang diinterogasi petugas imigrasi.
"Aa'… Aa' semalem kan siaran"
" Kan sampe jam dua belas?"
"Abis itu, mengantarkan pulang Risa."
Kesalahan terbesar kebanyakan pria adalah kejujuran.
"Enak amat yah jadi Risa. Dianter kamu pulang malem-malem. Padahal kan dia bukan pacar kamu."
Matanya semakin hostile.
Budi menggaruk-garuk kepalanya.
Dia mulai mengerti maksud omongan Ani.
Sudah saatnya wanita bersikap mandiri dan mampu pulang sendiri ke rumahnya di tengah malam melewati gang-gang penuh preman, maling pemerkosa. Belum lagi resiko dicabik-cabik anjing liar dan gila.
Di tahap ini, pembantu Ani yang berprofesi ganda sebagai pengamat Sinetron Indonesia secara transparan berpura-pura tidak menguping pertengkaran.
"Daerah rumah dia kan Cikaso. Gak aman."
"Suruh dia pindah rumah dong. Biar kamu gak perlu anter-anter! " ujar Ani sambil mengabaikan beberapa faktor kecil seperti:
a. Bahwa mencari rumah baru sulit
b. Harga rumah mahal
"Neng kenapa sih mesti cemburu?"
"Cemburu? Neng nggak cemburu. Siapa yang cemburu? Apakah Neng terdengar seperti orang yang cemburu? Menurut kamu ini cemburu? Menurut kamu Neng cemburuan? Nggak!" dengan desibel yang meningkat 8 kali dari level normal dengan dahi berkerut.
2. Dominasi
Ini adalah agenda keseharian Budi.Pagi – Antar Ani ke kampusnya. Siang – Mendatangi Ani di kampusnya, makan siang bersama. Sore – Menjemput Ani dari kampus. Malam – Menelpon Ani. Budi mulai jengah dengan aktivitas yang menuntut mobilisasi tinggi ini. Dia mengusulkan agar Ani juga pro-aktif untuk pergi ke kampus Budi sesekali dan mengurangi frekuensi pertemuan.
"Neng, kalo kayak gini terus, Aa' bisa cacat permanen dan jatuh miskin."
"Katanya sayang?"
"Gak mesti tiap hari kan ketemuan?"
"Kan kangen A'."
"Kalo Neng kangen, ya Neng juga dong sekali-kali pergi ke kampus Aa'."
"Nggak. Aa' aja yang ke kampus Neng."
"Ntar Aa' kecapekan."
"Kalo sebaliknya, Neng dong yang kecapekan."
"AAAARRRGGGHHHHHHH"
3. Sensitifitas
"Neng keliatan gendut gak sih Aa'?"
"Nggak."
"Liat dong ke Neng kalo bicara."
"Oke."
"Gendut ah."
"Nggak kok sayang."
"Gendut."
"Ya mungkin sedikit perlu fitness kali ya?"
"JADI MENURUT AA', NENG GENDUT? TEGA!"
"Loh?"
"Apa liat-liat?"
"Tadi katanya disuruh liat."
"Liatin saya gendut?"
"Aa' minta obat tidur…4 butir…please. "
"Buat?"
"Bunuh diri."
"Kenapa mau bunuh diri? Malu yah punya pacar gendut?"
"ARRRGGGHHHHH! !!"
4. Drama-drama- drama
"Halo?"
"Halo? Aa' ya?"
"Iya sayang, Neng, Aa' gak bisa ke rumah malem ini gak apa-apa ya?"
"Kenapa?"
"Aa' mau pergi sama temen-temen. Bimo ulang tahun dan mau nraktir makan."
"Nggak. Aa' ke sini sekarang juga."
"Tapi Neng, semua anak-anak pada ikutan."
"Jadi Aa' lebih seneng bergaul sama temen-temen Aa' daripada sama Neng?"
"Bukan gitu, ketemu kamu kan udah tiap hari. Bimo ulang tahun kan cuman sekali setahun."
"Bilang aja lebih sayang Bimo ketimbang sama Neng."
"Nggak kok, kamuh gak nangkep nih esensinya."
"Saya cuman sapi gila yang kamu gandeng kemana-mana. .ya, kan ?"
"Sapi sih nggak ya.."
"Hu hu hu.. udah gak ada yang sayang lagi sama Neng di dunia ini.."
"Ehm…cup cup sayang…duh, bageur…"
"Neng mending mati aja sekalian… giles aja Neng sekalian sama truk ayam, A'."
"Aduh Neng, ini bukan masalah yang besar kok, cuman semalem aja."
"Kalo bukan masalah yang besar berarti Aa' bisa ke sini, kan ?"
5. Teman
"Saya gak suka sama sahabat-sahabat kamu. Yang satu bau. Yang satu logat Sumateranya nyeremin, dan yang paling Neng gak suka,… yang paling deket sama kamu itu… tukang maenin cewek!"
6. Makna ganda
Ketika berjalan-jalan di shopping mall dengan Ani, Budi mulai menyadari perkataan Doni dulu bahwa terkadang wanita bisa menjadi makhluk yang kompleks. Minggu depan adalah ulang tahun Ani.
"Ih, bagus yah sepatu ini," ujar Ani menatap sepasang sepatu.
"Kamu mau Aa' beliin ini untuk ulang tahun kamu?"
"Nggak lah… nggak usah."
"…Oke…" Budi melanjutkan jalan-jalannya, meninggalkan Ani yang masih berdiri di depan etalase sepatu.
"Kok segitu aja?"
"???"
"Paksa dong bujuk Neng supaya mau."
"Kamu tadi baru bilang bahwa kamu nggak mau."
"Iya, tapi bukan berarti saya gak mau, kan ?"
"Jadi kalo kamu bilang gak mau, itu artinya kamu mau?"
"Belum tentu juga."
"Kalo kamu bilang mau, itu artinya kamu gak mau?"
"Belum tentu juga."
Budi cuma bisa garuk-garuk
kwakakaka…
cocoloatozzz…
–a
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